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[icon] Dear Sex Educator Friends - Patti
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Subject:Dear Sex Educator Friends
Time:11:18 pm
I'm posting this anonymously for someone else. She would love to get feedback and suggestions, especially resources for her cousin. Both of the people herein are in their early 20s and live in the midwest.
A couple days ago my cousin begged me for my cell phone number. She's 22 and lives in (TOWN) with her mother (my mother's half-sister), who is divorced. My cousin is disabled and uses a wheelchair. I don't remember the name of her disability, but my understanding is that she needed heart surgery immediately after birth, and to this day needs to remain close to a hospital. I believe she sleeps with oxygen as well. I don't know what effect her disability has had on her mental/emotional development, but I know for a fact her parents sheltered the shit out of her and she has no sense of... well, anything when it comes to interacting with anyone outside of her immediate family. I should have thought about that before letting her have my number, but she sounded desperate and I didn't want to shun her.

I regret that decision.

She abruptly came out as bisexual and:
1) Propositioned me for sex, then
2) When I said "no", begged me to help her find someone to have lesbian sex with.

I told her that I couldn't help her with that but that I supported her bisexuality and would do my best to answer her questions and address her concerns about it. In addition to repeatedly questioning my sexuality and why I "chose to be" straight, she asked such specific, inspiring questions as:

"How do I get a girl?"
"Can you give me tips on doin' it with a girl?"
"Are there any good moves to do with [girls]?"
"What about making out with girls?"
"Can you have an orgasm also?"
"What about kissing?"
"Is it a lot funner?"
"Can you give me some ideas of how to do stuff?"
"Is it fun? Or scary?"
"Do you think I will be good?"
"Could you even tell [I was bisexual] when you visited?"
"Do you think I will be happy?"

She was so utterly clueless and talked about women in a very distant, objectifying way, and her desire for girl on girl sex sounded like a decision that she made suddenly rather than something she had always been interested in. I asked if she had ever had sex with a guy, and she evaded the question and just answered "sort of". I talked with her frankly about masturbation, toys, and so on, and she continued to use very distant, platonic, innocent language and avoid discussing anything except "How can I get a girl?" and "How do I have sex with a girl?" (which I tried my best to answer, but her inability to discuss basic anatomy made it impossible).

I told her I'd find some websites for her to look at, and she asked me to text them to her -- what a pain in the ass, but I'm assuming it's a privacy issue. Her mom would flip the fuck out about this, I'm sure -- especially the part where she accosted me.

Basically, I need to find a way to send her some resourceful websites and then get her to fuck off, because she's texting me several times a day now ("Are you there?", "What are you doing?", "Are you there?", "What are you doing?" over and over) despite me ignoring her. I'm just kind of... blown away by this. I have several gay cousins -- I guess it just runs in the family -- and I want to be supportive of them and friendly with them, but this has totally crossed the line into "OH MY GOD I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW" territory. I don't want to out her, because she's obviously in the closet, and I know she needs help. Personally, I highly doubt she's bisexual; I think she's sexually frustrated and lonely and struggling with emotional and self-esteem issues and thinks that finding a girl and having sex with her RIGHT NOW is going to fix everything. I think she needs therapy, and -- if she's genuinely bisexual -- to join some kind of LGBT group (she doesn't even know what "LGBT" means).

The fuck do I do?
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melebeth
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Time:2012-05-04 03:11 pm (UTC)
Is there any way that it is plausible for her to be seen by a therapist? Those are some severe boundary issues and make me wonder if a) she may have Aspergers or a similar disorder or b) this may be a reaction in response to some form of abuse that has altered her sexual development.

A website, in short, isn't going to cut it. I mean, I can make recommendations, but I don't think it sounds like it will be safe for either her or her partners to if she starts exploring her sexuality right now. As for therapists, if it's plausible for her to see one, I can get try to get you names of therapists who are also sex therapists in her area if you ping me off LJ.

In the meantime, I highly suggest establishing a very clear boundary with her - something along the lines of "I am looking for information for you, but I can not do so if you continue to contact me so frequently. Constantly asking what I am doing or where I am is inappropriate. I will text you the resources you need, but you also have to respect my boundaries, which means that unless it is an emergency where you are in physical danger, you should not text or call me more than once a week, at an appropriate hour (define this.) I am not mad at you, but your behavior is making me uncomfortable."
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misterajc
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Time:2012-05-06 06:01 am (UTC)
Can I recommend a book for her written by a friend of mine: Disability and the Art of Kissing http://www.lifeonwheels.org/books/aokcont.html . I could probably arrange for a complementary copy if she would have any problems purchasing it. Just get a name and address to me privately.

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rahaeli
Link:(Link)
Time:2012-05-06 09:41 am (UTC)
Scarleteen for the sex ed questions, but many things in this make me think, this is a problem for Captain Awkward. (Not only to send to her for her to learn a new way of relating to people, but also for your friend to read the archives, which have many, many sensible things to say about boundary-setting and boundary enforcement.)
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elfs
Link:(Link)
Time:2012-05-07 08:58 pm (UTC)
It sounds to me like either through experience or development she's got some strong distancing issues as well as an expectation that "a girl" (and the generic is rather disturbing) would be better than "a guy." I'm reading bad experience with a man, followed by a compulsion to prove she's not as disabled as the wheelchair implies, at least not in the romantic world.

You've really done the best you can. But this is something that needs to be forwarded to someone more qualified than Teh Intarwebz.
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thorfinn
Link:(Link)
Time:2012-05-08 07:59 am (UTC)
I have heard good things about SFSI.org: San Francisco Sex Information as far as being a comprehensive and useful ask-a-real-person information source goes.

Edited at 2012-05-08 07:59 am (UTC)
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[icon] Dear Sex Educator Friends - Patti
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